my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Found the puke drawer
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
