Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
