wanna go halves on a baby?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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