Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
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