so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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