Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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