remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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