I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
It's Friday. Sex?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
