Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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