That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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