Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Randomize
