Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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