The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
