Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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