i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
ttyl tear gas
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
