How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
