I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
