fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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