So drunk its hurt
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
We smell like vodka and hangover
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