he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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