you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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