So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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