I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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