I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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