I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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