Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Randomize
