Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
even my farts smell like vagina
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
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