If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
