i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Still dying that you shit outside
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Randomize
