this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize