I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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