Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
