Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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