my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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