im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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