I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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