Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
