Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
ttyl tear gas
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize