It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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