I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
