Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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