guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
