Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
