Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
