I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
