So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
