i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize