I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
