he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
