tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
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