Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
it was like eating out sand paper
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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