On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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