i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize