i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
