the condom got lost in my hair
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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