Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
