you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
