P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
