I accidentally had phone sex last night
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
