Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
