I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
