i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
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